This has got to be one of the funniest things I have ever read. Whoever created this is a frickin’ genius.
(For added fun, head on over to The Official Chuck Norris Site to have your teeth kicked in roundhouse style.
And, without further ado…
40 Facts about Chuck Norris
1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
3. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
4. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
5. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
6. Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.
7. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
8. Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
9. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
10. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
11. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
12. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case, the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
13. To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
14. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
15. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
16. Chuck Norris can eat not just six Saltine crackers in a minute, but six sleeves of them. Remarkably, this ability has nothing to do with roundhouse kicks; he just loves eating crackers.
17. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
18. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
19. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
20. Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.
21. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
22. When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
23. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is “his” way.
25. One time in an airport a guy accidentally called Chuck Norris “Chick Norris”. He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy’s wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
26. On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck’s magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy’s womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, “Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?” All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. “I didn’t fucking think so!” shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck’s balls. Chuck pulled out, roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, “Don’t ever waste my time again.”
27. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
28. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry; the man ate a fucking Indian.
29. Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
30. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.
31. The Hemi engine was designed to mimic Chuck Norris’s penis.
32. When Chuck Norris jumps in a lake he doesn’t get wet, the water gets chuck.
33. Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris.
34. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
35. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
36. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
37. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.
38. Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.
39. When Chuck Norris heard that the Grinch had stolen Christmas, he didn’t panic. What he did do was find the bastard and roundhouse kick him in the groin until he begged for teabags instead. Chuck then took it upon himself to redeliver every child’s present back to their respective houses. Chuck got so caught up in all the excitement that he set fire to all the houses just so that he could heroically save every man, woman, child, and pet with his flame retardant beard. Incidentally, this explains why the Christmas Eve tradition of leaving out cookies and milk was officially changed to leaving out beer and pork rinds.
40. After 9/11, President Bush needed someone to go after Osama bin Laden. Suddenly, one afternoon while watching some reruns of Walker: Texas Ranger, it came to him like a roundhouse kick to the face. Bush immediately flew Air Force One to Texas to enlist Chuck Norris’ bounty hunter services. Chuck reluctantly agreed on one condition; He had to be appointed the Secretary of Texas Rangery. Bush concurred and sent Chuck on his way. He actually found Osama bin Laden in a cave in Saudi Arabia watching reruns of Walker. To this day, the Muslim terrorist is still being held in Norris’ basement, where Chuck roundhouse kicks him in the throat, five times a day, facing
